Aftermath
by Googie
Summary: Aftermath from Countdown: After Josh finds Kate at the 12th, they probably went to her place. Kate's emotions are running high from what she went through, but will Josh realize that? Pure smut in Ch 1-2, but not C/B smut. Castle comfort later, but builds on first two chapters.
1. Chapter 1

_**10/23/2012: I am sorely lacking in writing motivation right now, so I thought it might spur me on a bit if I went back to revisit an old story. The first four chapters of this story were written 18-19 months ago. I had many things going on then, both with other stories and on a personal level, so I never went any farther with this story. But now, I thought I'd try to bring some closure to it. If you're just finding this story now, I hope it flows for you. It's definitely AU from where the show is now. And please realize that we were in the middle of S3 when those first 4 chapters were written, so author's notes probably reflect that, but I'm not going to go change all of them. If new readers have comments on the first 4 chapters, I would still LOVE to hear them.**_

_**o-o-o-o-o**_

_**First of all, this is smut, through and through. But it's not Castle/Beckett smut, so if that's disturbing to you, don't read any farther.**_

_**That said, the premise of this has been bugging me a little bit since the ending of Countdown...we know how close Castle and Beckett appeared to get during the case; life and death moments and all of that. We could all surmise how being so close to death multiple times would be an ordeal for them to handle, once they got home. I figured that at some point, it would all hit them. We know from the look on Castle's face that he was hurting. Beckett looked...well, I don't know. But my premise with this story is that Kate has Josh, or she thinks she does, but how much comfort is he, really? How much comfort can he be, because he doesn't know the full extent of what went on or how dire things really were (at least for the bomb). Does he really even know (or care to find out) what she needs?**_

_**And he goes home with her. And we all know what they probably did when they got home. Hence the smut. And be warned, you might find it disturbing smut.**_

_**So, enough of an introduction. Like I said, this has been bugging me. I have ideas for more if it's not total garbage. But if it is total garbage, let me know and I'll just delete it and we'll pretend it never happened, and I'll go back to 'The Plan' and 'Blizzard'.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. And even if I did, there would be no way you could ever see this on TV on Monday nights.**_

Kate had finally made it back to her apartment with Josh, grateful to have someone to lean on. Grateful, so grateful that he decided to stay with her. She needed that right now. Everything was starting to catch up with her, her emotions of the last couple of days-the case coupled with almost dying several times-were threatening to get the best of her and were very close to wiping her out into exhaustion.

"Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're okay." He pulled her into his arms and held her, caressing and massaging her back in comfort. She wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned into him, trying to draw strength from him. She let herself just revel in the fact that he was here for her, that he came back for her, and that he was holding her now. For the first time since she and Castle were almost frozen to death, she was starting to feel warm. Not the warm that had to do with the temperature, but really, truly, in-the-bones warm, that had to do with having that special person be there for you. Emotionally warm as well as physically warm. She could let herself just _be_; be grateful she was alive, be grateful that she would live to see tomorrow, be grateful that she and Castle had saved Manhattan. Standing there in Josh's arms, with him kneading her muscles so expertly, she could finally start to feel that contentment, to relax. She just wanted to savor the feeling; maybe she'd finally be able to relax enough to get some sleep. She knew she was exhausted; now she was starting to feel that exhaustion. She thought again that it just felt so good to have someone hold her, especially when he wasn't even supposed to be there, but had come back. Just _for her_.

After standing there, wrapped around each other for several minutes, she realized that his caresses, his touches, were now becoming slightly different. His hands were dipping under her sweater to caress her bare back, and every so often they dipped inside the waistband of her pants. But she didn't respond; in her exhaustion, she thought she must be imagining things. He was there for her. He came back for her. He was here to comfort her because of the emotional toll and the stress of this case, of almost dying. But the longer she stood there with him, the less she could deny it. His caresses weren't so much comforting anymore. She knew him, and she knew he was trying to arouse her. She knew _he_ was getting aroused. She knew he loved to run his large hands all over her body, and she could feel him start to do that. His movements were no longer intended to comfort; now there was a different intent. And normally, she liked that too. But nothing about how she felt right now was normal. Tonight, she'd been looking for comfort, and only comfort, after that extremely trying and life-changing-almost life-ending-couple of days. And now, it seemed that they would be having sex. Normally, that would be great. But now...she closed her eyes tightly against the thoughts and feelings that were pummeling her now.

Well, sex was life-affirming, wasn't it? And she was alive. She should celebrate that. And there was a handsome man here, with his hands all over her, down her pants, and he obviously was hot for her. He wanted her. She could feel the evidence of that want pressed against her hip. She knew it could be hot, and good, and mind-numbing, and she could feel that rush. So shouldn't she grab hold of that and take what he had to offer?

She ignored the small voice inside of her that said that what he was offering, what he was _doing_, wasn't what she needed right now, at this moment. She ignored the small voice that wanted to pull away and yell at him and say '_I almost died three times in the last couple of days, and all you can think about is getting in my pants and screwing me?'_ But she couldn't say that. This was Josh, and he stayed for her. He was a good guy, and their relationship, what it was, worked well. This was Josh, and she knew he was good in bed; he could make her forget what had happened today, at least for a little while. This was Josh, and he stayed for her, and right now, he wanted her. _He stayed for her_. That thought kept running through her mind. Regardless of what she did or didn't feel like doing right now, that thought remained.

So she tried to shut her mind off, and she just tried to let herself _feel_. She tried to forget how she just wanted the comfort of being held, and she tried to tell herself that whatever she felt as he used his hands to feel her body was enough. She concentrated on his hands as they now splayed themselves on the back of her head and tilted it up, so his mouth could crash down on hers. She felt his tongue as it demanded entry into her mouth to sweep around and do battle with hers. She felt as his hands moved under her sweater to her bare sides, and then as they whipped the sweater over her head as he momentarily broke the kiss.

The sweater tossed aside, she did what she felt was expected, what was the next logical step, what she would have done if this had been any normal night between them after any normal day. She reached for the waistband of his jeans and made short work of undoing it and pushing his jeans down. She wasn't surprised, given his state of urgency, to find that he was going commando, and as she pushed down his pants, she freed his already-engorged cock. As soon as he was free he grabbed her bottom and ground her against him.

He undid her bra and pulled it off, bending right away to take possession of her nipple with his mouth. He sucked and teased it with his tongue as he massaged the other breast with his hand. Then he took his tongue and ran it all the way across her chest as his mouth turned its attention to her other breast. She'd never really told him, but she didn't really like when he licked her that much...it made her feel like a human popsicle. And now, as the air of the room hit the wet trail left by his tongue, it made her shiver in response as it brought back the feeling of the freezer. Of course, he took the shiver to be one of passion, and he groaned in response, pushing her down to sit on the bed, then taking her head to guide it toward his cock, which was straining toward her.

She knew what he wanted, but she just didn't know if she had it in her right now. She looked up at him, and said quietly "Josh?" She pleaded with her eyes for him to understand how she was feeling right now, but she could see that her hope was futile.

He looked down at her and she could see the bright passion in his eyes when he said in a husky voice, "Come on, baby, you're the best. You're so good with that hot mouth of yours. Just a little bit..." As he finished his words, his hips slowly moved forward and his hands on her head gently eased her mouth closer to that engorged part of him that seemed to be reaching for her.

_He stayed for me. He could be in Haiti right now, but he stayed for me._ The thought kept running through her head. She just wanted to be held and drop into a peaceful, warm sleep where there were no bombs and no cold freezers. '_He stayed for me. He could be in Haiti right now, but he stayed for me.'_ The thought, the _guilt_ for not wanting to do what he wanted even when he gave up so much for her, to stay with her, coursed through her. So she did the only thing that she felt she could do, even if it was the last thing that she wanted or needed right now; she let his hands guide her head forward and she took him into her mouth.

She drew him in as much as she could, and she could feel his fingers massaging the back of her head as he murmured "Oh, yeah..." She closed her eyes and concentrated on pleasuring him, using her tongue to massage the part of his shaft that was inside her mouth. She drew her head back, despite the pressure of the fingers on the back of her head urging her mouth to stay where it was. She retreated, but kept the pressure of her lips constant as they traveled down toward the head. When she was there, she took her tongue and ran it around the head of his cock, teasing him with just the tip of her tongue, as the wetness of her mouth mixed with the wetness slowly leaking from him.

He groaned again as he gave a little thrust of his hips and pushed himself further into her mouth again. "Ooooo...Kate...God, I knew you had a hot mouth. Oh, baby...yes..." He pulsed his hips again as he drove further into her mouth.

Kate was glad, somewhere in her, that she was giving him pleasure, but she was exhausted, mentally and physically, and she'd had the trauma of being close to death several times in close succession. She needed to decompress. She needed to try to relax, to process the recent events. She needed to be comforted by someone who cared, and she needed to sleep. She didn't need to be sucking on her boyfriend's cock. Not right now. And she realized that she just couldn't do it anymore. She drew back suddenly and laid down on the bed. "Josh..." she told him, reaching out her arms to him and hoping against hope that he would somehow understood that she just needed to be held. She felt tears filling her eyes. He took a labored breath while gazing hungrily at her partially naked body. Then he reached down toward her on the bed and after grabbing the waistband of her pants, yanked them down without even bothering to undo the waistband. She could see the button pop off and the zipper pull apart as the pants gave way, the fabric scraping her hips as he roughly pulled them down and off her legs. He also took the few seconds to finish pushing his pants down and then he crawled back on the bed toward her. Before he laid on top of her, he reached behind her knees and spread her legs wide, so she was open to him. He pressed her into the mattress as his mouth found hers again while he ground his pelvis against her, yet not entering her, though she felt his engorged cock rubbing against her intimately. When he felt her, he gave a quiet moan and muttered something that sounded like 'oh, baby...'. She tried to just hold him, with still arms around his back, hugging him to her, once again trying to telegraph to him her need for simple human comforting contact that had nothing to do with sex, but once again, he didn't get the non-verbal message as his lips moved from her mouth to suck on her neck, once sucking so hard that she whimpered in response, certain that it would leave a mark on her. But he took the whimper as one of ecstacy, not pain, and his lips moved back down to her breasts to suck and tease her nipples. He never seemed to notice that she wasn't the willing, encouraging participant that she normally was. He was making small moans here and there, letting her know that his pleasure was increasing.

He rolled partially off her body so he could reach a hand down in between her spread-eagle legs so he could touch her intimately. He began to rub that sensitive spot as he sucked on her nipples and nuzzled her breasts with his face. She felt him slip a few fingers into her as his thumb kept rubbing her nerve-filled nub. Part of her just wanted to lose herself in the sensations, because she knew he could make her come, and forget everything that she had been through, even if it was only for a few blissful minutes. And it would be good...it always was. But some part of her still felt like somehow, this was just...wrong. She didn't know how, but she knew she was conflicted.

But then she made herself lay there and let him have his way with her, to ravish her body and take pleasure from her, because she felt she owed him. He stayed for her. The thought filtered back into her mind...he stayed for her, so she had to give them a chance. And this was part of it.

She tried to shut her mind off and concentrate on the fingers pumping into her, and the thumb pressing onto her most sensitive area with expert precision. She felt the first inklings of her release, and Josh must have sensed it too because he murmured into her ear with hot breath, in between kisses and sucking bites on her neck. "That's it, babe. You're so wet. God, I love how wet you get. I just need to be in you now. I want to be so deep in you..." he finished as he captured her mouth once again. He removed his fingers and rolled over her again, grabbing her behind her thighs to pull her legs wide apart again as he positioned his shaft and drove into her with one hard, firm stroke.

The shock of it made her cry out. The reality of his manhood driving inside her was so much more encompassing than his fingers had been. Her cry of shock was once again mistaken for pleasure, and it spurred him on to push into her with more driving force, so that she could hear him breathing hard with the effort, and she could hear how their bodies pressed into the mattress with each long, firm stroke of his. They were lucky they were at the end of the bed, because he was riding her so strongly that every time he withdrew and plunged back into her wet heat, he drove her further up the bed. He kept pumping into her, amidst breathy pants, finally ordering her, "Wrap your legs around me. Tight. I love it when you hold me in you like that." She blindly did as he instructed and at the same time, he somehow slipped his hand in between them to find her again. He pressed and rubbed her relentlessly, telling her "Come on, baby, I want to feel you come when I'm inside you. I want to feel you clamp onto me when you come...you're so tight then...come on..." His hips sped up their pumping and his hand kept rubbing in her wetness until she felt her orgasm shatter through her. He removed his hand then and braced his hands on her hips as he used them to slam them together even more forcefully a couple of times as she rode the bliss of her release, until, on a swearing cry of "Oh, yeah..._fuck, _yeah...ohhhh..." he pushed into her a few more times as she felt his cock explode inside of her and spill himself deep within her.

He laid full on her for several minutes until she tried to shift a little bit, and then he finally rolled off onto his side by her. She tried to move to pull some blankets down so she could cuddle under them; they'd never gotten around to that before in their-no, in Josh's-haste for sex.

He felt what she was doing and moved a bit so he could get under the blankets too. She turned on her side, facing away from him, but it was something they did a lot when they fell asleep spooning. But when he put his arm around her, he snaked it around to her front and wrapped his hand around her breast. Somehow, for some reason that she couldn't pinpoint, the gesture bothered her. Just one more thing that bothered her about this whole night.

But she got more of an idea of exactly why it bothered her seconds later as he adjusted his body under the blankets, when he said "That was hot," as he pressed a kiss to her neck. "But I really need to get some sleep. You wore me out." The sleepily stated words made her mouth drop open and her eyes clench tightly shut. _He_ needed to get some sleep? _Him_? What about _her_? Why didn't he ask her if _she_ was tired and wanted to sleep? What about how she almost _died_ today, and was exhausted, but he had still expected her to put out for him? She knew that wasn't the sum total of it, but with her raw emotions and his cavalier words, that's how she felt now. She felt like nothing more than a sex object; she felt used, cheap. And she'd allowed it.

She knew she went ahead with it because he stayed, and she felt like she had to show him that he didn't make a mistake by staying with her. That she was willing to give them a chance, and that she could put his needs and desires first. But it still hurt, and the high that she'd felt when she told Castle that they had a chance because he stayed was being slowly-no, quickly-dampened by what they'd just done.

They'd had sex, as they'd done a lot of times before. But tonight she'd needed comfort, only comfort, without sex, and he hadn't sensed that. And she didn't want to have to tell him that...she wanted him to know. She wanted him to realize that on his own. Why couldn't he see that? Yes, he was considerate enough to make sure that she she came too, but the pessimistic part of her said that it was only because it helped him get off. And he had actually said as much when he was inside her, stroking her. Was it pessimism, or was it that she was just seeing reality now? Didn't near-death experiences give you renewed clarity in how you saw your life?

Whatever it was, it didn't change how she felt right now, and she didn't like it. She liked sex as much as the next person, but right now, she felt...she couldn't say it. She'd already admitted it to herself once. If she did it again, she felt like she'd break down.

She needed to sleep. Still annoyed at the position that Josh had taken, she gently took his hand off her breast and placed it in back of her, and then grabbed the pillow that had fallen on the floor and hugged it to her chest. She closed her eyes, willing sleep to come to her soon. She hoped Castle was having a more restful, peaceful night than she was. And at that thought, she felt tears form in her eyes. She tried to shut her eyes more tightly, but the tears slipped out anyway, wetting the pillow under her face as she finally slipped into the sleep that she had been craving since she first walked through her apartment door.

_**Like I said, if it's garbage, just tell me. I'll take it down. I know it's weird, especially for me, queen of the fluff, to have a story like this, and with no Castle. But like I said, it's been bouncing around in my head so I finally decided to get it out of there.**_

_**I almost hate to mention it, but let me know what you think?**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**I was so worried about this fic when I posted it (obviously). So I was really happy to see that so many of you liked it and were moved by it. The detail and length of some of the reviews just blew me away! I truly thank you for taking the time to give me feedback on htis. And it was nice to know that there were quite a few who actually thought the same way I did...yup, they probably went home together, and guess what they did? Yeah, even though we know they do that, we all feel bad for Castle.**_

_**So here's the next chapter. I have to say a thanks to morethanamuse for using the word 'slimy' in her review when she described the way I'd written Josh. It's totally accurate and there is not a better descriptor. Too bad Kate didn't realize it before this.**_

_**Disclaimer: Don't own any part of any of the people or characters mentioned below.**_

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She came awake slowly, thinking that she should be able to relish the feeling of finally being able to get more than a few hours of sleep. But she didn't feel that way. She still felt exhausted, troubled. At first, she didn't know why. But as she floated more into consciousness, she became aware of the sensations around her right breast, specifically her nipple, which she realized had a set of lips attached to it, with a tongue that was doing its best to arouse. She laid there with her eyes closed, still not quite awake, just trying to process the sensations.

She next became aware of a hand in between her legs, opening her, fingers teasing her, and every once in a while pushing inside of her intimately. But it was the voice who drew her fully into consciousness; the voice that was telling her "Baby, come on. Wake up for me, sweetheart. Come on...that's it. I need you..."

Josh.

And with that voice, the memories of the previous night crashed down on her. How she had just...submitted to him. How even now, remembering, she felt like she owed him for choosing her above his humanitarian trip. He stayed for her; she'd asked him to stay and _he had_! That should have made her feel wonderful, and it did...for a while. But then her mind remembered how cheap she felt when he just seemed to take what he needed from her, without even stopping to think what she needed.

But the fact remained that he stayed for her. How could she do anything except try her very hardest to make his work, in _every_ way that she could? She told herself that there was give and take in every relationship, and this was just one part.

So she shifted a little bit, and as she did she opened her eyes and glanced toward her bedside alarm clock, looking to see what time it was because she still felt mentally and physically exhausted. How long had she been sleeping?

She was chagrined and disheartened to find that she'd only been sleeping for about forty-five minutes. Less than an hour? And he woke her up? "Josh..." she began, trying to get her question voiced as he was sucking and nibbling on her neck, "can't we get a litte more rest? We've barely been in bed for an hour."

Between kisses, he told her, "And it was a pretty enjoyable hour, if you ask me..." He ended his statement with a sexy chuckle, telling her that he was very much awake and was ready for more. As if his actions of fondling her intimately weren't enough of an indication. "Didn't you hear my phone?" he continued. "I got called in. I have to leave. But we have time for a little fun first..." He captured her lips with hers and grasped her hip, pulling her closer to him so she could feel his already-swollen erection against her other hip. He ground himself against her as he kissed her, thrusting his manhood against her just as he was thrusting his tongue into her mouth as he kissed her. He pulled away from her mouth to concentrate on her breasts again as she opened her eyes. She looked down at his his head as he was devouring her nipples, and then she closed her eyes and inwardly cringed. The exhaustion she was feeling had caught up with her. Couldn't he just let her sleep? He'd already had her once, less than an hour ago, and she didn't even really want to go through with it then. And now he wanted her again.

She sighed, and thought she'd try. "Josh." He kept sucking on her nipple, and it didn't seem to hear her at all. "Josh," she tried again. She put her hand side of his face and urged his mouth away from her breast and his eyes up to hers again. When she had his attention, she told him quietly, earnestly, "Josh. I'm tired. I just want to try to get some sleep. Please? It was...really good before," she shuddered inwardly at the lie, but she felt she had to say it, "but I'm just tired now. I need to relax and sleep." She looked at him with pleading eyes, and she then saw the change in his when he realized that she was serious, and was exhausted.

"Aw, babe," he said, stroking her cheek tenderly with his fingers. The pulsing of his hips against her had stopped. He gave her a light kiss on her lips. Finally, it seemed like she'd gotten through to him. She knew her exhaustion was making her emotional, but she almost felt like crying from happiness. It was so different from how she'd felt just a little while ago, when she'd felt like she was merely the means to an end for him. Now, it seemed as though he was looking at her needs too.

But then when he spoke again, the single, solitary sentence that he uttered made happiness fall down and get squashed into the dirt. That teriffic high that she was just on took an abrupt dive-bombing nosedive down to an extreme low as he attempted a sexy smile and said "You know, I can help you get _really_ relaxed, and then you can just sleep it off when I go to the hospital." She closed her eyes as the meaning of his words sunk in. She was right before...he just wanted to get off, and she was the way for him to do it. She was there, she was naked, his cock was laying there throbbing against her. He'd justify it any way he could. And with that, he rolled over on her, driving her legs apart with his knees, and pushed himself down to her core. He entered her with one sure stroke, moaning and telling her, "God, you're still so wet! Oh, you are so good." He pumped his hips into her several more times. She could hear his breathing quicken and then on a ragged breath he told her "Come on, Kate, come for me..."

Her very first, unbidden thought was '_what the hell?'_ He'd just woken her up from a dead sleep that she'd _needed_ because she was _exhausted_, he'd just joined them together without really any encouragement from her, and he already expected her to be aroused enough to climax? She thought that in her sleep-haze, she must have misunderstood. So once again, she tried to revel in the sensations of him being inside her. She told herself that she could lose herself in him and it would feel good, it would help her relax, just as he said it would.

But she felt nothing. She wanted to, but she didn't.

She went on autopilot. And she was surprised that somewhere in that moment of sleep-deprived exhaustion was a moment of utter clarity. Since she and her body just seemed to be a means to an end for him, he was going to be a means to an end for her. The quicker she could get this over with, the better for her. She wrapped her legs around his hips and dug her heels into his ass as he pounded into her. Normally just the position alone would arouse her more, but not now. When he felt her legs go around him, he breathed "Ohhhh, yeah, that's it, hold me tighter..." Then he grabbed the back of her thighs and pulled on them, so her legs were wider apart for him, though it was in direct contrast to what he'd just said about her being wrapped tightly around him.

She didn't usually have this much time to analyze him and his actions, but now that her mind was somehow detached from her body, she could see that he was just so thoroughly concerned with obtaining his release from her body that he didn't know what he was saying or if it made sense. And she knew from the past that he liked to talk, liked the commentary, so to speak. He always wanted her to talk, and talk dirty, to tell him how good it was. It helped him achieve his satisfaction faster; it aroused him. Most of the time, she was so into the passion that she couldn't formulate words, or she didn't want to so the passion could be prolongued for them, so she wasn't a big talker.

But not now.

But as he kept pumping into her her, harder and harder, his breathing grew more labored as he told her, "Come _on_ babe, I can't hold out much longer. You have to come. I want to feel you come around me."

So...means to an end. She ran her hands over his back and down to his ass, where she dug her fingers into the flesh as he pumped himself in and out of her.

And she began to fake it.

She closed her eyes and reached her head sideways on the pillow as if she was in ecstacy. "Oh, Josh," she moaned, "Yes, that's it...deeper. God, you're so long. I just want you so deep in me." Though she didn't say very many words, the effect on him was immediate because it was a rarity that he heard her utter much at all during the act. And she knew that describing his manhood would definitley work on him. He moaned as he drove more forcefully into her.

"Come, baby..." he pleaded.

Then she let out a breathy moan of "Oh, God..." as she began to intentionally contract her internal muscles around him a few times. "Ohhhhh...yes...yes..." she trailed off.

Her first few words and her response were all that he needed, and she could feel him drive violently into her a few more times as his cock exploded in her again while his body jerked with his release. "Oh, fuck, yeah...yeah...ohhhh," he murmured as his hips finished pumping into her.

He collapsed on top of her for a solid few minutes, breathing heavily. When he rose again, he rolled off of her and said offhandedly, almost in a cocky tone, "See, babe, I just knew I could relax you. That was really hot." And he raised himself out of her bed to go to the bathroom to wash himself off.

If she wasn't so tired, she might have rolled her eyes at how utterly clueless he was. God, she'd just _faked it_ and he hadn't even noticed! When he was out of the room, she rolled over to the other side of the bed, where it wasn't wet from two bouts of sex that she'd never really wanted in the first place. She rolled over on her stomach and pulled the blankets over her, snuggling into them as she closed her eyes. She laid perfectly still-which wasn't too much of a stretch because of her level of physical exhaustion-and tried to feign sleep for when Josh came back out of the bathroom. The thought kept swirling through her mind that first, she was so glad that he was back, and now, she couldn't wait for him to leave her alone.

He did come back out after a few minutes and she could hear him getting dressed. She tried to keep her breathing even. She felt the bed give under his weight as he sat down to put on his boots and then the other. Then she could hear his footsteps walk over by her. She felt his gaze on her and she fought to still keep her breathing even and not move. She heard him chuckle lightly. And then he said, more to himself in a congratulatory sort of way, "Yeah, I relaxed you all right."

He turned and left her room then, and seconds later she heard the door to her apartment close. She rolled back over onto her back and felt immediate relief envelope her, followed by a sense of loneliness. Tears formed in her eyes. God, she'd never had to _fake_ passion, _fake_ an orgasm before. She remembered that old movie where Meg Ryan proved to Billy Crystal that women fake it, and she demonstrated it in the middle of the restaurant. It was funny at the time. Hilarious. But now, she just felt loss. Loss of companionship. Loss that the one person she was counting on to build something with couldn't even seem to see past his own needs to see that she was hurting, to see what she needed. Loss that she'd just been-totally and without a doubt-used. And all along over the last few hours, she'd been telling herself that it was okay because after all, he'd stayed for her. He'd given up the humanitarian trip _for her_. But now, she wondered...besides her female body parts, which he obviously appreciated, what part of the 'for her' argument was present in the last two hours? It was all about him, about him screwing her, about him getting off. Wow...that mental clarity thing was something. Talk about an epiphany.

And she realized that she hadn't just been faking it just now, but she'd probably been faking it for a lot longer. Real-with Josh-wasn't in the cards. Fake and superficial had worked well up until now. But now, faking it just wasn't going to cut it for her anymore.

Not anymore. And not ever again.

_**

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**_

On a side note, I've been to the deli where they filmed that scene in 'When Harry Met Sally'. They even have a sign up that points to the very table (place) where it was filmed.

I was dating a guy once, and I had one of those epiphanies where all of a sudden, you just see things in complete clarity. It just hit me that it wasn't going to work out. And it seemed so...obvious, all of a sudden. I'd been denying it and trying to justify things for too long, and then it just hit me.

_**And to those who thought that Kate wouldn't necessarily submit to being treated like that...I don't necessarily think so either. But with the stress of the situation that she'd just come out of, and her expectations about her relationship with Josh, and the fact that he made such a grand gesture (or so it seemed to her initially), I thought she'd probably behave differently than normal. She was in her home, with the guy that she was in a relationship with, so she wasn't super, kick-butt cop anymore. She was just a woman in need of some comfort, and she wasn't getting it. And then she was second-guessing herself...**_

_**I never intended to go past two chapters, but I'll leave this as incomplete for now in case I ever decide to come back to it if inspiration strikes.**_

_**Well...thoughts? I hope you enjoyed the ending; I thought it was a little more hopeful than last time.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thanks for all of the reviews for the first two chapters. Truly great! I hope this new chapter is to your liking. It's late and I'm literally falling asleep as I post this, so I really hope it makes sense.**_

**_BTW, I just created a new Twitter account...my username is xxGoogiexx if anyone is interested. Since I hear that story alerts are not always being sent in a timely fashion, I'll try to update on there when I've uploaded a new chapter for one of my stories._**

_**Standard disclaimers apply.**_

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She laid there for a while, so tired, but she couldn't sleep. Her mind was going a mile a minute. She'd so wanted to make it work between the two of them, but how could she now? She was so incredibly happy when she'd regained consciousness and he'd not only been there, but had told her he was staying for her. But then it all fell apart when they'd come back to her apartment. She'd needed...lots of things. Not one of which he provided for her.

She felt so selfish for thinking that! You just didn't go into a relationship only thinking of what you could get from it. It was a give and take. She kept coming back to the fact that he stayed for her. But for what? For what reason? So he could be there for her? No. So they could spend time together? Maybe. So they could deepen their relationship? Hmmm...good question. Because the only inkling of 'deep' that she saw in the past couple of hours had to do with...oh, forget it. She didn't want to go there in her mind. Because she'd already been there twice, physically, and she felt used enough already without having to relive those feelings and those memories again. She closed her eyes with a sigh, willing the tears from her eyes. She would _not_ cry.

She thought of Castle. He was a good distraction; she didn't feel like crying when she thought of him. He annoyed her, somtimes (though not much anymore) he infuriated her, he helped her, he made her smile. She knew Martha and Alexis were away; he'd sent them away. And though he'd never said much about it-really nothing about it-she knew from what she'd overheard that he wasn't with Gina anymore. And if the way she was feeling when she walked through her apartment door tonight was even remotely like he was feeling, she really hoped he was doing okay. That he was getting the rest that he said he wanted. And that was another weird thing. He said he wanted rest, that he was tired, but right before that, he'd looked so...energized. She would almost have sworn that he had that little twinkle in his eye like he did when he was planning something. But then out of nowhere, he said he was tired and walked away, and Josh had surprised her right after that.

Wait...Josh had come up behind her, which meant that Castle saw him coming. No. He couldn't have left because of Josh, could he? No. But Castle had stepped away, and then Josh was _right there_. Had Castle seen Josh coming?

Her eyes flew open. Castle had to have seen Josh. That was why he'd left then. That's why it had all seemed so strange, because it wasn't like him. It wasn't like him at all. She began to piece it together in her mind. He knew she had Josh, he knew she wanted to try to make it work with Josh, from what she'd told him after they were rescued from the freezer, and when he saw Josh walking toward them, he'd made a hasty retreat so as to not make things uncomfortable.

And after everything that had happened the last two days, he'd gone home alone. That...that just wasn't right.

Almost on autopilot, she got out of bed and went in search of her phone. She found it in the pocket of her pants that were laying on the floor, the pants that Josh had all but ripped off of her. Memories of that, her submission, started filtering back into her brain, but she pushed them right back out as she grabbed her phone and unlocked it. She couldn't do anything about that, but she could do this one little thing.

She didn't want to wake him. He was probably asleep, but she did want to do something to let him know...what did she want to let him know? That he had a friend. Yes, he had a friend and that friend was thinking about him and hoped that he was okay. That would work.

She laid back down on the bed and quickly composed the text: _'Hell of a day. Hope you're sleeping well. Thanks again for being there. See you soon. K'_. She hit send, dropped the phone on the other side of the bed and leaned back against the pillows. She was still naked, and she suddenly didn't like the feeling. She got up off the bed and went over to her drawer, where she found an old, extra large t-shirt that she sometimes slept in. It was comfortable and she'd had it forever. She pulled it over her head and instantly felt a little bit better. She crawled back into the bed and pulled the blankets over her just as she heard her phone chime, signaling a new text message.

_'Anytime. I can't sleep-mind won't shut off. But you should. Pleasant dreams, Det. -RC'_

He couldn't sleep? Well, that was obvious by the speed with which he'd responded to her text message. But sleep wasn't the reason why he'd left so soon anyway; wasn't that what she'd figured out? Suddenly, the image of Castle, as he'd left the precinct, filled her mind. The look on his face, how he'd said he needed to get some sleep, even though she'd already suspected that was just a cover story to make a clean getaway when he saw Josh coming. But he wasn't sleeping. And then, the image in her mind changed from Castle in the precinct to Castle at his loft, alone. All alone.

She took a deep breath and then, before she could talk herself out of it, hit his speed dial button. She listened to the phone ring once, twice, three times. He'd just texted her; where was he now? Why wasn't he answering? And just as she finished that thought, she heard the low timbre of his voice say, "Hello, Detective." That was all he said. It was far from one of his usual, witty greetings.

"Hey, Castle."

There was a silence. It appeared that neither knew exactly what to say. Finally, he broke the silence, in typical Castle form, although the words lacked their usual energy. "To what do I owe the unexpected pleasure of your call?"

"I..." What could she say? I'm feeling like a used sex object by my boyfriend who doesn't seem to want to think about anything except how many times he can get off, so I started thinking about you to take my mind off of how awful I feel? Yeah, that would be perfect. And she felt the tears stinging the backs of her eyelids as those thoughts, those memories invaded her brain again. But she knew she needed to say something. "I...I just wondered how you were," she told him, hoping she sounded okay, hoping that he didn't hear the little hitch in her voice.

But apparently he did. "Kate, what's wrong?"

"It's...I...nothing," she managed to say. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing some normalcy into her voice. "I just know that you...in the precinct...you saw Josh and you left. I knew you didn't have anyone at home, and you..." she paused, searching for the right words. "It was all intense, Rick, really intense, and you're not a cop; you're not trained for that. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Not really answering her question, he said, "You're not really trained for that either. I mean, being almost frozen to death? Finding a dirty bomb only seconds from being vaporized? I can't imagine that's in any sort of a training manual."

She was silent for a moment. He was right. She was a cop, but those things were definitely not part of her training. Not part of anyone's training, except maybe Fallon's. And who knew exactly _what_ he was trained for. "No, I don't remember that particular chapter," she said, and tried a chuckle, although it fell flat. "It was a hell of a day, that's for sure."

"Yeah, it was. But why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Then she heard a very definite sigh, and then "Look, I'm sorry. I'm overstepping. Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Tell...Josh to give you some extra TLC tonight..." he paused, then added in a lower voice, which she almost couldn't make out because it was so soft, "tell him you deserve it for all you've been through. You have a restful night, and..." he paused again before saying, "...get some sleep."

"No, Castle," she blurted out, sensing he was about to hang up and disconnect their call.

"What?"

She took a deep breath, not sure if she should say anything, but at the same time feeling compelled to say it. "Josh isn't here. He got called in," she told him softly.

The silence was back again, while they both just waited. But they both understood the silence, somehow. They knew this wasn't a normal situation, one that could, or should, be filled up with constant words. "But how..." he finally said, with a note of question in his voice, which spoke of him not understanding what she was saying. "He was supposed to go away, but he stayed. How could he get called in? He wasn't even supposed to be here in the first place."

"He just did, okay? I don't know. But he's gone. I'm alone." Her voice was abrupt, tired, defeated. Annoyed? It almost sounded like it, but that couldn't be.

After a time, a time when she could imagine that he was recovering from the unintended sting of his words, he finally said, simply, "You're alone?" The words were spoken with surprise, but were also dripping with concern.

"Yeah," she said simply.

Before he could stop himself, he said, "Come over here."

She almost pulled the phone away to see if it was really an alien life form like in one of Castle's theories, one that was talking to her. Nope. So she attempted to clarify, "What?"

It was too late to take it back now. And if the truth be told, he wasn't sure that he wanted to. "Come over here."

"Why?"

Why, indeed? Because he wanted her? Because he was happy beyond belief that Josh wasn't with her? Or...

He told her the only thing, the only explanation that made sense for both of them right now. "Because you're the only other person on this earth who knows what these last couple of days were like for me, and I think it would be good for both of us to spend some time with that other person. We don't have to talk about it. But I think having you here would be a rare and wonderful thing." He let in sink in for a moment, and then he continued, "Kate, I want to be there if you need me. And I...I could use some company. We can just sit and relax. I even have blankets and a fire if you're cold, because I know I still am. So come over."

She listened to his plea, and it made sense. How did he always manage to say things that made sense? Even the most outlandish things...he could make them sound perfectly plausible and normal. She should go over to his loft? What could he be thinking?

But despite those thoughts of her, somehow, she found herself saying, "Okay. I can come over."

She could hear the smile in his voice. "Good. When?"

"Soon. I just have to get dressed..." But as she said those words, the memories of Josh came back to her. So she amended her words, "I have to grab a quick shower, and then I can be there." After everything that happened with Josh, she knew she couldn't walk out of this apartment-to go anywhere-without showering first. She felt...unclean. Suddenly, she couldn't wait to get into the shower and scrub herself squeaky clean.

"Okay. I'll be waiting. I'll make something to eat. What do you want?"

"Whatever. I'll Be there soon. Bye, Castle."

"Until later, Beckett."

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_**That's it for now. Some of you wanted a little more closure after the Chapter 2, so I hope that this gives you some. Hope you enjoyed it! **_

_**Thoughts?**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Sorry this update took so long. I have to be in a different frame of mind for this story than for either of the other ones that I'm currently working on, because this one is just a bit...darker, I guess. **_

_**A lot of the reviews mentioned wanting to see their interactions at the loft after she goes over there. So this is where I pick up the story. **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about Castle. **_

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Given that it was almost midnight and she was still unsure about being there, the soft knock sounded to her like there was an electric amplifier in the door. She was nervous about being there. But she didn't have time to think about it very long, because mere seconds after the last time her knuckles had come into contact with the door, said door was opened quickly to reveal a tired and weary, but smiling, Richard Castle.

He had a blanket draped around his shoulders. As he saw her, he stepped aside and ushered her dramatically in the door. "Welcome to my humble abode," he told her as she stepped past him. As soon as she entered the loft, her senses were assaulted by a delicious aroma coming from the area of the kitchen. She turned toward him as he closed the door. "What in the world do I smell?" she asked him.

The smile fell off of his face at her words. "Soup. It's almost ready. But you can have something else if you want. I guess it stunk up the house, huh? Sorry."

"Stunk? Castle, if it tastes half as good as it smells, I think I'll eat all of it."

The smile bloomed on his face again as he realized that he'd misinterpreted her question to mean that she didn't like the smell. "You can have as much as you want. I thought I needed some comfort food tonight, and some good, old fashioned soup seemed like a good thing to make."

She stared at him. "You _made_ it? As in, not just opening up a can or something? From scratch?" She must have misunderstood.

He nodded, a bit sheepishly.

"Wow. You probably could have gotten some delivered from somewhere."

He shrugged. "I thought it would be a good, mindless way to kill some time and have a way to keep busy tonight. I stopped by the store after I left the precinct. Plus I'd have my reward when I could eat it when it was done."

He started walking into the kitchen and motioned to her to follow. On the stove, she saw a huge stock pot. She walked over to it and took look, and then couldn't help but sniff again at the aromas that were emanating from the pot. "It looks wonderful. It smells wonderful."

"Are you hungry?"

She and Josh had grabbed a quick burger on the way to her place, but it was a while ago, and it was quick. She was tired and he'd wanted to get her home... Ugh. Why did she have to think back? Why did she have to remember how they were barely inside her apartment when-

"Kate?" Castle's voice snapped her out of her unpleasant musings. She looked up at him. He was no longer smiling, and had a concerned look on his face as he gazed at her. "Kate," he said again. "What's wrong?"

She plastered a little smile on her face while she tried to get rid of the sick feeling that she got in her stomach now whenever she thought back to the earlier part of the evening. "I'm fine, Castle," she told him quickly. But when she risked a glance at him, she saw the determined look of concentration that he had on his face, and she knew that he didn't believe her. So she looked back at the soup-which truly did look wonderful-and asked him, "So do you think I could have a bowl?"

The look on his face eased a bit, but she could tell that he knew something wasn't quite right with her. But he moved over to the cupboard where he found a couple of soup bowls, along with plates to set them on. As he ladled out the soup into the bowls, Kate remarked, "Wow, that looks really good. There's so much stuff in it that it almost looks like beef stew instead of soup."

"Comfort food with extra comfort cooked right in," he quipped, but somehow his usual joking tone fell a bit flat. But she took the words for what they were, and she realized that the thought of comfort-even in the form of food-was an especially inviting emotion right now.

"Perfect." She sneaked a quick look at him, and he gave her a reassuring little grin, obviously satisfied and pleased with her response.

After he had the soup in the bowls, and had cut slices from a loaf of french bread, he handed her one of the plates and cocked his head toward the living room, silently indicating that she should follow him. She could see that he had the fireplace going, and he had a blanket spread across the couch. "Go on, sit. The blanket is a heating blanket, so it should be warm now."

He'd pulled the coffee table close to the couch, and she set her plate there when she sat down to situate herself. The warmth underneath her felt wonderful, like a heated seat in a car on a cold winter day. Then she felt a blanket being draped over her shoulders and she looked up at Castle, who was doing the draping, but had backed away as soon as the blanket was around her. Still, she was surprised and touched by the gesture. "Thanks," she told him with a small smile.

He didn't sit down though. "I'm going to get us something to drink. How does a bottle of wine sound? Or champagne, for the celebratory nature of still being alive?"

Celebratory. The word jumped out at her. She knew she should feel like that, to feel happy that she was alive. But the fact was that she didn't. She felt numb. Well, that wasn't true; she wished she would feel numb. When she thought about it, about how she felt, she had to admit that she still had those lingering feelings of being misunderstood, and used. She felt conflicted. And she felt...loss. She felt loss because all of the things she'd wanted and expected and hoped for from her relationship with Josh _weren't there_. She could see that now. But worse yet, because Josh had been so oblivious to her feelings, it just made her wonder if her feelings were justified at all. Was she expecting too much from him? After all, he gave up his trip for her...

She felt a hand on her shoulder and glanced up, ending her mental deviation into the land of self-doubt, as she refocused on Castle's face. His concerned face, with his brows knitted together as he studied her. "Kate? That's the second time in the last five minutes that you've just...left. You're somewhere else." He looked at her, waiting for her to say something.

She could only repeat her words from earlier. "I'm fine, Castle." And then, remembering his question, she finally answered him. "How about some wine? I'm not really in a champagne mood tonight."

He looked at her quizzically again, but he left the room to get the wine. After a few minutes he came back with two glasses and the opened bottle. He sat down on the couch next to her, but not too close, and poured some wine in a glass before handing it to her. She took a sip, found it to be really good, and then took another. She wasn't normally one to drink when things got tough, especially because of what had happened with her own father, but right now she wanted something to deaden her senses a little bit, make her mind a little more loose so for a little while, so she could let her thoughts drift away from the earlier part of the evening. _Not_ thinking about the earlier part of the evening, about Josh, was so inviting that she tipped back her glass and drained it. Then she bent down to lean over the soup bowl, and took her first bite of the soup.

She closed her eyes as the rich flavor of the soup washed over her tastebuds. Even with the first bite, she felt a little bit warmer. "Castle, this is _really_ good," she complimented him, finally looking back to his face. She expected to see the quirky little smile that he usually got when she paid him a compliment or said something nice. But what she saw there wasn't what she expected; his brows were still furrowed, and he was studying her intently. She expected him to make some grand statement, but after several seconds of studying her, he just said, "I'm glad you like it. More wine?" as he held out the bottle again. She responded by picking up her glass and holding it out to him so he could refill it.

They sat in companionable silence for a while, just eating their soup and nibbling on the french bread. If Castle noticed that she was hitting the wine more heavily than she might have normally, he didn't say anything. When her bowl was empty, he took it from her and walked into the kitchen, refilling it with more soup without even being asked. She raised an eyebrow at him when he came back, having expect that he was just taking the bowls to the sink instead of refilling them. By way of an explanation, he told her, "I know how much you ate today, or rather how much you did _not_ eat today. So eat up. A belly full of warm food is a good thing." And he smiled at her and dug into his own portion.

Looking at the steaming bowl, she realized he was right. The soup was so good that she knew she could easily eat another bowl. The warmth was seeping into her bones, and for the first time in hours, she could say that she was feeling a bit better. She was able to keep the thoughts of Josh, of her failures, of _everything_ at bay and was just able to sit here, on a warm couch, in front of a blazing fire, blanket over her shoulders, eating a wonderful comfort-food meal with a...good friend.

He was a good friend. He knew something was not...right...with her tonight, but he wasn't pushing. He just fed her. He kept her warm. At one point when she was eating, she had reached for her wine glass and the blanket had fallen off her shoulder. Before she could even pull it up, he was right there, tucking it around her shoulders again.

Finally, the bowls were taken out into the kitchen and put into the sink, for real this time. He came back and sat next to her on the couch, but not too close; he was still a foot away from her. he took his blanket and wrapped it around himself again. He leaned back into the couch and put his legs and feet up on the coffee table, motioning to Beckett to do the same. She held up one foot, showing him her boots. He held out one thumb and crooked it to the side, silently telling her to lose the boots. She raised an eyebrow at him in question, and he gave her a gaze as if to say 'duh, of course'. So she pulled off her boots and dropped them by the end of the couch, putting her feet up just had Castle had done. But then he surprised her by thowing out a blanket and letting it drape over the both of them. She gave him a small smile of thanks and burrowed a little bit more into the warm couch as she leaned back.

After getting them situated, he leaned back into the cushions and turned to her. She gazed sideways at him for a second, and it was at that point that she realized their their entire conversation just then had happened entirely without uttering a single word. On one hand, she was surprised, but on the other hand, it was par for the course for them. They often communicated by just looks, instinctively knowing what the other was talking about. She felt a small smile lift the corners of her lips.

And then, unbidden, her mind went to Josh, and even though she wasn't aware of it, that small smile immediately left her face, so quickly as though it was attached to a switch and someone had cut the power. She thought of how she had tried to communicate to_ him _that she just wanted comfort, wanted to be held. Then when that didn't work, she...no, she didn't want to go there. But afterwards, well, after the first time anyway, she _did_ use words to tell him. And he hadn't listened. The looks hadn't mattered. The words hadn't even mattered. She felt like _she_ hadn't mattered.

How could she have been so wrong? When she'd woken up after the freezer, and Josh was there and told her that he'd stayed, she'd been so hopeful. But now, as she thought back, she was still tense, even when he was there. She wanted to be with him. No. She _had_ wanted to be with him, before. She realized with a jolt that she didn't now, not anymore. She'd been feeling that sense of loss for the last few hours, but she realized now that it wasn't so much for the man, as for the idea of him. Of having someone that she could count on who would be there for her. She realized now that wasn't Josh. And that incredible hope that she felt when she'd woken up in the ambulance early that morning and had seen that he'd stayed was now just...gone. Like a puff of smoke on a windy day.

She felt a light touch on her blanket-draped shoulder and realized that she was now staring into the flames of the fire. And she realized that the fire was blurrier than it used to be, and it was only then that she became aware of the tears that were in her eyes. She heard Castle's voice say her name once, then again more urgently. Still not looking at him, she just uttered what had almost become her mantra since she'd walked in the door: "I'm fine, Castle."

"No, you're not." The words, and moreso the stern tone in which they were spoken, reluctantly drew her eyes to his. "You're not fine," he repeated, for emphasis. And then, more softly, he said, "Kate, tell me what's wrong. Let me help you."

His simple declaration of her emotional state, followed by his simple plea was just about her undoing. She felt her eyes begin to swim again, so she forced herself to take a deep breath, and then another. She swiped her hands at the moisture that was beginning to overflow from her eyes as she glanced back to the fire, not able to hold his gaze any longer. The unbridled concern for her emanating from his eyes was more than she could bear to look at. Why couldn't Josh have looked at her like that?

He continued in a soft voice. "Kate, I know you're upset about Josh. But his hospital emergency won't last forever, right? And then I'm sure he'll be right back with you. I'm sure he'll get back to you as quickly as he can, and he can be there for you. I know you needed Josh tonight and I know I'm not a very good stand-in for him, but if I can do anything for you, you know I will. "

The thought of Josh coming back to her place when he was done at the hospital filled her with a sense of dread, and she realized that she didn't want to-couldn't-face him anytime soon. She was still too raw from everything, and these realizations that she'd had about their relationship were still too fresh for her to be able to handle seeing him now. And almost involuntarily from Castle's first sentence, her head started shaking from side to side, as if to drive away the idea of having to see Josh again anytime soon. 'No,' the movements of her head were saying, even if her voice wasn't.

She saw the puzzled look on Castle's face at her non-verbal protest. She tried to find words, because she knew she needed to say something, not just for him, but for her too. "Castle, have you ever had the feeling that something that you counted on, a big part of your life, was really just a mirage or something? Like it was never really there at all, but you thought it was?"

She could see he was still somewhat puzzled, but he nodded. "And then you fully realize that it was never there, and it really hits you like a ton of bricks?"

She nodded.

"Does this have to do with the terrorism, or..." he closed his eyes briefly, and she could see that he was struggling with what he had to say, "or with...Josh?"

Suddenly, she became aware of what Castle had said about Josh coming back to her after he was done at the hospital, and she realized with a jolt that she didn't want to deal with that. And she had a strong suspicion that Castle was right-he _would_ show up at her place. And the thought of that, of going back home... She looked up at Castle again, who was still waiting for an answer to his question. She knew that, but instead of answering, she said, "Ummm...do you think I could hang out here for a while?" She hated that even though she spoke softly and aimed for a casual tone, her voice still came out sounding just a little bit desperate.

"Of course," he answered without hesitation, though his eyes conveyed that he'd heard the change in her tone. "But...will Josh know you're here, when he's done?"

She gazed at him with big watery eyes, telling him simply, "No." And she saw the moment when he understood. She didn't want him to know where she was. She wanted to escape. She wanted to be off the grid, at least for him.

"You're welcome here for as long as you want to be here. Know that, and believe that. And that's not a mirage," he told her, patting the hand that was laying on her lap.

But she surprised him when she turned her hand around and grasped his hand with hers. "Thank you," she told him softly, telegraphing with her eyes just how sincere she was.

Again, with no hesitation, he responded with a word she'd heard him use before: "Always."

And she gave him the most brief of smiles before they settled back into the cushions and watched the flames dance in the fireplace, with their hands still clasped together lightly, and once again, words were not needed.

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_**Most of my other stories have always been written using the POVs of both of them. I started out this story using only Beckett's POV, and then as I introduced Castle in this chapter, I realized that I would have to keep that singular POV to keep the story true to how it began. So really, I was itching to put some Castle thoughts in there, but I'm not going to, and I guess I'm just looking at it now as kind of a learning experience for me. Gotta branch out and try new things, right?**_

_**I do want to say that I know I'm jumping around a little bit with her emotions in this chapter. But I think in that situation (the way I've set it up), her emotions would be jumping around. Loss, avoidance, sadness, fear at seeing him, etc. If I continue with this, then anger will probably play into it at some point.**_

_**As I was writing the soup part of the story, in my more goofball moments, I was getting images of Castle interspersed with the 'Soup Nazi' episode of Seinfeld. My older, more vintage readers (reference to Blizzard) may know what I'm talking about. And then I think about him saying 'No soup for you!' in the voice he used to imitate the Johnny Vong voice in Sucker Punch ('And now I own a boat!'). OK, so I was also drinking a margarita then. I admit it. But it's still a really funny visual.**_

_**So, aside from all of that, what did you think of this chapter? **_

_**Really, when this story has reached it's natural end, let me know. Because lately, I think I could go on and on and on about pretty much anything, and I just may need someone to do a virtual slap up side the head and say 'enough, already!'**_

_**And one more thing...that spoiler from AM himself about the finale? My goodness, how will I survive the summer? I'm tempted to download it on iTunes and not watch it until September so I won't have to put myself through the cliffhanger and wait!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**I've thought about a bunch of ways to go with this chapter and with the rest of this story, so I hope this is the best. It's been so long since this point in the series and since I wrote this, so I was torn with exactly where to go with it, since I'd only intended to do two chapters initially. But now I have a new direction which actually works well with the time that's passed. I think I like where I'm taking it now. **_

_**Some things to note: yes, this does have disturbing overtones. I hesitate to label it, so I'll just leave it at that. Yes, I've portrayed Josh in a not-so-nice way. But this is less about my Josh and his potentially slimy ways and more about my Kate's feelings, as well as her ideas and conceptions about her relationship, taking an abrupt deviation from all that she'd known and believed to this point. She's reeling. And yes, she's out of character to a degree, but you have to look at the situation and the events to this point.**_

_**I'm assuming that we're somewhere close to a weekend.**_

_**I would appreciate any and all constructive criticism. Like it, hate it, and a small why. Your comments keep me motivated and ultimately make me a better writer. So if you spent some time reading this, please let me know what you thought of it.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with this show or the rights to the characters.**_

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Kate woke early that next morning feeling ... odd. She was warm. Oh, she was warm, and it felt so good. She felt secure. But she also felt ... unsure. There was an underlying trepidation that she couldn't put her finger on right away.

She knew that she wasn't in her bed. But she couldn't pinpoint where she _was, _and she needed to know where she was. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around.

Castle's loft.

The impromptu late-night trip over here, after ... Oh, yeah. The memories and feelings of the earlier part of the evening flooded into her brain. She slammed her eyes shut again as she tried to will the memories of Josh away. But the memories were there, behind her eyelids, so she forced her eyes back open, and she looked around the loft.

The lights were still low. The fire was still burning safely in the fireplace, and she was very grateful at that moment for gas fireplaces that you could leave burning safely all night. The fire was calming. And warm.

She didn't remember consciously choosing to sleep there, but obviously, she had fallen asleep. Her eyes looked around the room, and eventually they came to rest on the man next to her who was half-sitting and half-laying, and who was still totally asleep. His head was tilted to the side, toward her, and his mouth was slightly open. He looked so peaceful. And it made her wish that she had some of that peace.

But really ... didn't he give her some of that peace already?

She realized that she felt better here, even while still somewhat disoriented from just waking up. She felt comfortable. She felt ... safe.

Safe?

Did that mean she felt _un_safe somewhere else?

Perhaps 'safe' wasn't the correct word. Perhaps it _was_ comfortable. Or content. Or just ... at peace. As much as she could be anywhere right now. She didn't feel that peace at home, which was why she'd left in the first place. She knew that. Because of ... yeah. But here, she thought as she looked around the darkened room, at the man sleeping on the couch next to her, at least, strangely enough, she felt at peace _here_.

Who would have _ever_ thought a few years ago that _Castle—_the focus-challenged man-child—would be the one to provide her with a feeling of peace and, yes, safety that she couldn't even find in her own home?

It was almost a shock when he suddenly opened his eyes without warning. Very quickly, they seemed to focus on her, although it was apparent that he wasn't processing that she was really there. He stared at her for several loaded seconds before asking, "Kate?"

"Hi," she told him softly.

"You're here ..." he said, with a certain amount of wonder, as if he was trying to figure it out. And then he raised his head slightly and looked around the room a bit. "Oh," he remarked absently. "I must have fallen asleep." As if remembering that he'd just been sleeping, he yawned. "Sorry. Guess I wasn't a very good host to fall asleep on you like that."

She tried for a small smile. "Don't worry, Castle. I won't let it get out to besmirch your playboy reputation."

But he didn't smile. Instead, he gave her a funny look. "My reputation is the least of my worries, Kate." He let that, whatever it meant, sink in for a moment before he continued, "So did you sleep all right? Because, you know, I have regular beds ..."

She knew he was joking, that it was just more of their usual innuendo. Or something. She knew he was keeping it light, and he was just being Castle. But damn it, as soon as he'd mentioned the beds, her mind went to the last time she was in a bed, and what had happened. And her stomach immediately clenched up and she couldn't stop the involuntary reactions of her mouth dropping open while her eyes began to widen. And apparently he noticed it too, because she saw the look he gave her, followed by the questioning, "Kate?"

"I'm fine, Castle," she said automatically when she heard his question, when she'd seen his reaction.

"It was just ... if you're tired," he continued to explain in that calm, even voice, "you can use the guest room. It even has its own bathroom. Well, you know that from when you stayed there before."

She did know that. God, he was just trying to help, to be hospitable. Why couldn't she just accept the offer without having her mind constantly go back to the night before? "Uh ... yeah. I remember that. But ... uh ... this is good. And it's still nice and warm." He looked at her curiously, like he had the night before, but once again, he elected not to say anything more.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, looking around, finding the clock. "It's not even six yet, but we could make something for breakfast if you want."

She shook her head. "I'm good." Then, realizing that her terse words didn't make her sound 'good', she struggled to find something else to say. "I'm warm. And after being in that freezer, that's saying something, Castle. So I'm good for now." She tried for a small smile.

He gave her a bit of a smile back, more satisfied with her later response. He could relate. "I'll agree with you that warm is good. But if you get hungry, let me know, okay?"

She nodded, but didn't say anything; she just looked into the fire.

"You know," he said softly, breaking the silence after another long couple of minutes, "if there's anything else you need, I hope you'll tell me. I want to help, if I can."

She turned her head on the back of the couch to look more directly at him. He had his face turned toward her, and with the earnest look in his eyes, she didn't doubt his sincerity. If she said she wanted to fly to Maine for a lobster brunch, she didn't doubt that he'd start making calls to charter a plane. But how could he help with what she was feeling? Her mind was just a jumble of random, disturbing thoughts and feelings now, so unlike how she normally functioned. And with what most of those thoughts centered around ... there was no way she could tell him that. "Thank you," she finally said. "I really mean that. Just being here ... it's good. Thanks for inviting me over last night. But I'm sorry that I fell asleep on your couch."

His face took on a little bit of an exasperated look. "Kate, I told you last night that you could stay as long as you wanted. And I meant that. Besides, I'm grateful for the company."

"Sure?" She still wanted more confirmation.

"Kate. Really. Stay. Keep me company. Hell," he said offhandedly, "Stay all weekend if you want."

The remark was made in such a casual way, but it hit her just the same. _Stay all weekend_. And although her first instinct was to brush it off, after about a second, she realized that the thought of doing just that was so tempting.

She could just stay right here and slide into a cocoon of warmth and anonymity, where nobody outside of this room knew where she was. Where _Josh_ wouldn't know where she was.

The surprise must have been evident on her face, because he gave her one of those looks like he did when he knew she was holding back. "Look, Kate. We almost died together yesterday, more than once. I don't know if that's all finally started to hit you, or if there's something else." His eyes bore into hers, and it seemed like he knew that her mood fit in more with his second theory, even though he didn't voice it. "But like I said last night, with what we went through together, I can't think of anyone else that I want to be around right now, even if all we talk about is the weather. Or even if we just sit here and stare at the fire. So I meant it before. This is an invitation. Stay as long as you want."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

She ended up staying for the weekend, just like he'd offered. Despite her initial, gut reaction about staying in the peacefulness that he offered, she still didn't consciously plan to do that. But it just sort of ... happened anyway. Every time she thought about going home, her stomach would knot just a bit and her mind would flash back to the last time she was there. So she procrastinated, and even though Castle looked at her sometimes like he couldn't believe she'd actually decided to stay, he seemed all to happy to help her out with that by finding other things that they just _had_ to do. They made cookies. They watched DVDs of Star Trek episodes. At one point, he used his unique brand of logic to coerce her into helping him rearrange the guest room closet. And they even napped on the couch again, because after being almost frozen to death, and staying up all night looking for terrorists, their sleep cycles were way off.

She had a change of clothes in a bag in the trunk of her car, so she was set there and didn't have to worry about what to do with that aspect of some unplanned time away from home. At first, it did make her feel a bit guilty when she realized that she needed to shower and change, and that there was no reason that she couldn't just go home to do all of that. But Castle justified her staying as only Castle could, with silly reasons that made almost no sense. But she found herself going along with him and with his funny rationale. And she felt just a bit more of that peace that she'd seen in him earlier.

She slept from then on in the guest room, and somehow, Castle seemed to know to give her some space. When it got late, he just waved her off toward the second floor and wished her pleasant dreams, never even making a move to show her to the room. In fact, except for their closet rearranging escapade, he never even set foot on the upper floor.

She eventually started talking more, but she was conscious to keep that talk away from anything personal. If Castle ever thought that her behavior during that time was strange or out of character, he never said a word. She caught him looking at her strangely, almost worriedly, a few times, but he'd either smile at her or make some quip that would make her want to roll her eyes or throw one of the couch pillows at him. One time she actually did throw a couch pillow at him, and he retaliated by throwing one back at her. They both eyed each other up, after which a pillow fight ensued, and was only ended when Kate ducked to avoid a flying pillow, which sent it careening straight into a floor vase behind her. The tall vase tipped over and broke, shattering on the hard wooden floor.

"Oh," Castle said, his eyes big, his face slack while he looked at the tiny pieces of colored glass on his floor. "I ... guess ... that didn't work so well. Oh."

"Nice shot, Castle. You murdered your vase with the pillow."

He turned his face back toward her. "Well, I guess it's good that you're here then." At her questioning glance, he went further with his unique brand of logic. "You're a homicide cop. I murdered the vase," he said with a shrug

"What? You want me to charge you with murder? Again?" She could hear the teasing quality in her voice, and it almost surprised her at how ... normal she sounded.

"No. I want you to help me hide the body, of course! The vase body, that is. In the trash can. Let's clean it up."

She registered what he said, and then rolled her eyes. Yes, that was normal; a normal Castle thing to say, and a normal response from her. Normal felt good. And with a genuine smile, she took one of the pillows from her arsenal and threw it at him, hitting him square in his grinning face.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

She now stood inside the doorway of her apartment. After spending the last few days at Castle's loft, it seemed strange to her to be back. But even though she'd been dreading it, she found that it wasn't as bad as she'd made it out to be in her mind. This was still her home, after all, and Josh wasn't here. He wouldn't be here again; she knew that. She'd endured a lot worse over her lifetime, and she could handle this. Things with Josh hadn't gone as planned, and it was a blow to her because she thought that they could have built something good between them. But in a way it was a relief, and especially a few days removed from ... that night, she was ultimately glad that she'd had that revelation.

Her time at Castle's, though not planned, was nothing short of a gift. A wonderful gift it was ... the ability to escape and have a sanctuary when she couldn't stand to be home or to be in a place where she could be found. And she had to wonder about the man that had given her that gift, the man who offhandedly mentioned everything from her coming over to her staying, but who followed through and made sure that she was comfortable. And occupied. And strangely, he didn't push. He pushed her about almost everything else, but he never pushed her about what was bothering her. And she knew she'd be forever grateful for all of it. She thanked him, of course, and she told him that he helped her more than he would ever know. She was certain that he wanted to know more, but strangely, he didn't press. He just told her that he was glad that he'd helped, even though he wasn't sure how, and told her to call if she needed anything else. At all. No matter the time.

Just hearing his words, she'd felt a little warmer inside.

Despite Castle's solid and calming presence, she knew that her feelings about ... that night, though, were going to take longer to come to terms with. Feeling used, feeling inconsequential relative to someone's more baser, pleasurable urges, feeling powerless to stop it either by duty or guilt ... well, that was a bitter pill to swallow, especially for her. She was independent, and she was strong; well, she was supposed to be those things. That shouldn't have happened to her.

But she still wondered what kind of a person was she, when her boyfriend had given up his humanitarian trip, for her, and then she dropped off the face of the earth for several days without even a word to him. She'd finally turned her phone back on as she was packing her overnight bag before she'd left Castle's, fully expecting a bunch of messages from Josh. She did have messages all right ... two. She felt perturbed when she saw the message count, although she didn't know if more of her annoyance came from the fact that there were two calls from her supposed boyfriend, or that there were _only_ two calls from her supposed boyfriend, especially when she'd not told him where she was going or when she'd be back.

She didn't know if she was relieved, or upset. And then came the guilt, because really, if she was going to dump the guy, then why did it matter how many times he'd tried to reach her? But the irrational side of her knew that it really stung to have him only try to call her twice, when she'd been gone for almost three days!

She carried her overnight bag—which now needed repacking—back to her bedroom. And at the doorway, she stopped. For a moment, it was as if the whole thing had just happened; she almost expected Josh to be laying naked on the bed. Staring at the bed, she could still feel that disappointment when she was reminded again how she and her feelings, her mental state after the near-death experiences, and her physical exhaustion hadn't mattered to Josh nearly as much as whatever pleasure he could obtain from her body. But ... she'd had pleasure too, she remembered. Maybe not the second time, but the first time she did. She submitted, and now ... now she felt ashamed of that. She hadn't really wanted it, or she thought she didn't. But her body had responded. So what did that mean, and what kind of a person did that make her?

How could she fault Josh for wanting his own release, when he'd made her have her own too?

What kind of a hypocrite was she?

She closed her eyes, willing the tears away as she took a deep breath. No.

She opened her eyes, seeing her pants on the floor. They were the pants that he'd all but ripped off of her. She dropped her bag and stalked over to pick them up. After grabbing them, she very purposefully strode back through her apartment, out the door, and to the trash chute. The pants were useless now, and even if she took them to a tailor to have them fixed, she still wouldn't want to wear them again.

She opened the chute and threw them inside with no hesitation. And they were gone.

Just like Josh was going to be gone from her life; that much she knew.

She shut the door of the chute and slowly walked back to her apartment, thinking of the things that she had to say to Josh and wondering how she was going to say everything without sounding like she'd had a mental breakdown.

* * *

_**As I've said in previous chapters, I started this using only her POV, and I'm trying to remain true to that. However, if you think it would be better to have his POV in there too, let me know.**_

_**I know her emotions are still a little bit weird, but she's still conflicted not only because of how she felt during everything with Josh, but also because she didn't stop him and most importantly because her body responded to him even though her mind was saying she didn't want what happened. How do you reconcile that?**_

_**I would very much appreciate hearing your thoughts on the story and about this latest chapter. I imagine that because of when this was started, there are probably people around now who haven't read this yet. If you're a new reader, please let me know what you thought of the story and if there's anything you feel I can do to make it better. That check box right below this that says "Follow"? Found it? Yeah, well the big box above that is where you type those comments that mean so much and are so valuable to all of these authors. So if you check that "Follow" box for this story, especially now, after 5 chapters, try to pick out one thing you like and let me know, okay? It makes a big difference. Really.**_

_**Thank you for reading!f**_


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